Remembering Kevin

Slice of Life: I'm trying to write more and my family is a part of my life that defines me, good, bad and indifferent.  I know typically the Slice of Life post gets posted on Tuesday and it's supposed to be one instance, but I have been debating on writing this for basically 11 months, so figured there's no time like the present.

Funny, caring, animal lover, brother, son, friend, prankster, smart...those are some words I would use to describe my brother Kevin.  He loved music and friends and loved dogs and any animal, he also loved drugs.  Unfortunately that last love was what took Kevin down.

It's been a little over eleven months since my Dad called telling me the news "That Kevin had died."  I didn't believe him when he called.  I believe my response was, "Yeah right , what hospital is he at for me to visit this time?"   This was a phone call that I had received before, where he would be on life support and would snap out of it and overcome the health issues.  I thought that was what happened again.  That was not the case.

Kevin was my "little brother".  He was three and half years younger then me, but that was the only way he was "littler then me."  Kevin was about 6'3" and I am a whopping 5'3".  We were only three and a half years apart in age and four years apart in grades, but we didn't have much in common.  I remember playing together and doing stuff together as a family, but Kevin and I were never super close like other siblings I knew.  This drove me crazy, because I desperately wanted a "normal" sibling relationship that my friends had with their siblings.

My Dad used to call Kevin his "Little Raccoon" and my Mom had a bond with him that I will always hope to have when I have children of my own.  I had a very strained relationship with Kevin even from childhood on. I was very defensive of Kevin.  If anyone made fun of or disrespected him or my family I would be up in arms.  But our relationship was unique I truly believe.  We fought like cats and dogs about what I can't recall for the life of me.  But there were times that I swore I hated that kid.  However, I also admired the hell out of that kid and the obstacles he was able to overcome.  Unfortunately, I never had the chance to tell him that.

Kevin had many struggles that he had to deal with throughout his life.  We are both adopted from different birth families.  While I am 5'3", fair skin, and will sunburn within five minutes from being outside, Kevin was 6'3", American Indian, and Croatian, and tanned within being outside for five minutes.  We were brought together to be brother and sister by two of the most wonderful, patient, and amazing people I have had the privilege of knowing.  Kevin was born with a heart murmur and an inturned foot that he had to wear a corrective shoe.

Kevin was a good boy.  I used the word boy on purpose.  He was diagnosed with many mental disorders throughout his childhood and life.  When my husband and I had him over for a weekend, it was as if he hadn't matured past the age of when he began doing drugs (about 14 or 15 years old).  He suffered from an addiction to drugs, and  that is ultimately what took his life. But Kevin was more then an "addict".  He was a caring person who just wanted to be accepted by everyone around him.  He struggled with this throughout most of his life.  School was very difficult for Kevin.  He wasn't able to sit still for a large chunk of time to pay attention.  He wasn't a "normal kid", and some teachers made sure to remind my parents of that on a regular basis.  How heartbreaking for my Mom and Dad.  He drove teachers crazy, and got the attention of his classmates which drove his teachers even crazier.  He was never able to obtain the positive attention from teachers so he settled for the positive attention from is peers, which inevitably led to negative attention from teachers.  Negative attention was better then no attention in Kevin's eyes.  As he grew older, and entered school it was not a place where he could excel and where teachers could easily see all the good in him like we saw at home.  At home, Kevin was kind, and had a way with animals that would make a vet jealous, he was funny, sweet, and confident.  My mom even had a conference with a teacher who told her he would never amount to much.  How can a teacher ever say that to a parent?  How can a teacher not see the good in every student that crosses his/her door.  And keep in mind, Kevin was in second grade when this happened.  As he got older, his struggles continued.  He was never fortunate enough to have that teacher that believed in him and his ability.  Looking back, this is the reason why I went into teaching.


Fast forward to middle school.  Kevin really began to battle his demons.  He met some "friends" and I use that term loosely that introduced him to smoking and drugs.  This was when the problems for Kevin began to increase even more.  He was in and out of halfway houses and rehab and mental hospitals.  It was so difficult on my parents and on me, it was taking a toll on everyone but especially Kevin. He became withdrawn and I don't even know how to describe it from his perspective.  All I know is it was hell on earth for me.  Not knowing what phone calls were made to my parents that day, what was the mood in the house going to be like when I got home, and was my night going to be like.  If my parents had gotten a phone call from one or two or more of Kev's teachers, there was going to be a lot of yelling and screaming.  It was a crazy four years to say the least.

Kevin dropped out of highschool but was able to eventually get his GED.  He was in and out of different rebab centers.  I went away to college, but still could feel the tension two hours away.  I will always remember when my Dad came to pick me up from college because I had a really bad sinus infection and just wanted to come home.  He brought Kevin with him, and they informed me that Kevin had taken acid while he was on Lithium for his bipolar disorder.  He had a seizure and this was the beginning of the drug addiction.

Kevin was plagued with demons his whole life, and I never understood or wanted to understand how difficult life was for him.  I wanted the world to see what we saw at home.  He was a sweet boy who cared deeply for his family and animals and friends.  His laugh could light up a room and he just a way with getting people to have a good time.  I want more then anything to turn back the hands of time to tell him all this.  For some reason, Kevin never saw all the good that was in him.  I always looked at Kevin's addiction to drugs as a curse.  I mean it is what ultimately took his life.  However, it was because of this addiction that made me go into teaching.  If I can change the life of one person or help one parent with their child, then it was a path well traveled.

So why am I telling you this?
As a teacher, I encounter many students like Kevin.  And I want to be their advocate.  Kevin has taught me a great deal about compassion, second chances, and believing in the good in people.  Some of my takeaways from this include:

• Treat each child (and person) you encounter like a one of a kind gift.  My students come to me dealing with things at home or in their neighborhood that I cannot even begin to imagine.  School is their escape and the place where each and every one of them should feel like a rock star and a genius.  It is my job as a teacher to make sure this happens.  Every.Single.Day.

•  I am the factor that determines if my students are going to have a good day or a bad day.  And I need to make sure that every single day I tell them that they matter.  I can guarantee you that these days were far and few between for Kevin.

•  I am telling you this because I am making a choice to not be embarrassed or silent about this or drug addiction.  I am not embarrassed by Kevin or his decisions.  Do they suck?  Absolutely, and I wish I could turn back the hands of time (I'm trying really hard not to break into song right now!  Thank you Puff Daddy or whatever name you are going by these days!)  But I am making a choice to not be embarrassed and to talk about it openly so that I can help possibly inspire someone to not go down the same path.

•  I am telling this to you so that you will hopefully make the choice to tell people how much they mean to you.  You never know when that opportunity will be taken away.

• My hope is that I can help to raise awareness on a difficult subject that people are embarrassed to discuss.

• My hope is that by sharing my story, others will share theirs, and together we can begin to work toward helping those with similar problems.

And for me, even eleven months later, I still have a lot of anger in me.  But instead of the anger being directed at Kevin for choosing drugs over his family, I'm mad that I never was able to tell Kevin how much I loved him and how much he taught me that love is unconditional.  To treat each day like it's your last and to make sure that every child that comes into my room knows they matter and they have what it takes to succeed.  I love you Kevin, and I forgive you.  Until we meet again little brother.

Throughout the last 11 months I have spent a lot of time listening to a lot of different songs about losing someone and grief.  The one sing I keep going back to is by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals called "Stars". The lyrics are so touching, they really hit on how I have felt and I just hope Kevin has found peace:

I lit a fire with the love you left behind, 
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside. 
I followed your ashes into outer space 
I can't look out the window, 
I can't look at this place, 

I can't look at the stars, 
They make me wonder where you are 
Stars, 
Up on heaven's boulevard 
And if I know you at all, 
I know you've gone too far 
So I, I can't look at the stars